Anonymous ASKED:

Why don't you want to post the behaviors you still struggle with? (Ed wise)


adrianaintheraw:

Because I see absolutely nothing positive coming from positing them. I don’t know why I used to post personal things (especially eating-related things due to the competitive nature of the disorder). Anyone can just as easily write the behaviors in a journal, or talk to a professional if they have that available to them. I understand the view of the whole it’s-my-blog-I-post-what-I-want, and by all means do. But I’m questioning why. Posting SPECIFIC caloric intakes, or exercise can essentially only do two things:

  1. Potentially lead others to have concern for how you are doing, which can be innocent enough- but even so the concern would be based off of the specific behaviors shared (essentially their severity) and I personally don’t want “support” based off of how “severe” things sound. 
  2. Offer the means for online validation that you have a “problem” and in a way is showing off what’s going on- intentionally or unintentionally. Eating disorders especially are competitive by nature and sharing information that will no doubt be triggering to at least one person, is in my opinion naive, and selfish because even for your ~own purposes~ you can easily write that information down in your own private way if you want to “remember it” OR if you feel the burning desire to share what’s happening there’s no need for specific numbers and details etc.

I’m not attacking anyone by any means what so ever, and I’m not trying to tell anyone what do to. I’m just questioning the reasoning behind people who choose to participate in this, and I’m sharing with you so that you understand why I choose not to anymore. I used to a lot, but now every time I post something, I ask myself the “Why am I choosing to post this?” and “What benefit OR detriment will this have to me or others?” (the answer for the reason behind could be as simple as- because it’s funny, or it makes my blog look nice it or whatever, which is a good enough reason as any). BUT if the answer in my head is a disordered one, I save the post as a draft, or just flat out delete it. 

I don’t need you.
I laugh as I pour my drinks.
Scoffing at those who drink red wine
As you did.
As we did.
I forget what it was like to be needed, but I know how it is to need.
The scent of vodka emerges from my heavy breath.
.23 yes, I can feel myself going.
The signature slurry words.
But at least these words are no longer for you.
Tipsy dancing with strangers,
Graceful fucking.
I’ve moved on.
I can forget without trying.
I do not need you.

I black out your face in photographs.
Who knew that the sharpies
we once used to draw our names on each other’s hands
could have such angry merit.
You said you wanted me
to think of you
every time I went to grab.
Hands closed I needed you.
Hands open I needed you.
But now I am screaming with a pen.
Bleeding out in ink.
It spills everywhere, drowning what once was.
But can never be again.
I want to erase you from my life and draw a new.
I want you to see me.
I want you to see.

Shattered dishes, broken mirrors.
I DONT NEED YOU, I scream.
The sounds suffocate you.
Your muffled screams will not draw me back in.
Not this time.
I will hypnotize myself into moving on.
I will carve out a new person.
Construct a new life.
Not bones, but flesh this time.
Fleshy-fleshy,
and I am not sorry.
I don’t need you.
I don’t need you.
I don’t need you.

I burn the bridges,
Rip up the map.
I will not find my way back to you.
I will not even try.
I erase your voicemails because
Now MY voice is the only one that matters.
I am resounding, vast, my voice radiates through the empty walls
of the church I went to
to pray for my salvation.
It echoes and I am taken aback by my own ferocity.
I am marching on.
Yes, yes, yes.

On the way back home
I am sure not to drive past your house.
Not this time.
You linger, but I do not stay.
I turn the wheel fast, I am not looking back.
You were my blind spot.
It may take a while for the scent to fade, but I am not staying.
I have places to go.
There are people I still want to be.
Lives I still want to live.
The years it took to realize
that I am not trapped, not limited,
are enough to make me weep.
I look at the sky and no longer fear its vastness.
I am vast, too.
My only regret is apologizing for the space I took up.

I find pieces of you everywhere-
shards of broken glass,
Wine bottles we smashed in rage.
You are embedded into me
and you love it.
But you don’t frighten me anymore.
I pluck you out, piece by piece.
I craft you into something beautiful.
My hands no longer only reach or take.
They are not simply closed or open.
Now these hands can create.
And I shape myself into someone I love.
I craft my life into one that is worth living.
And I live.

The memory of you doesn’t sting as much anymore.
Your face is not one I care to paint pictures of.
The photographs of you, with bits of me serve better as fuel
For my fires.
I am not a background image,
I am not shying into the distance.
I am my own show.
I am my own masterpiece.
I am burning the past.
You showed me all that I didn’t want to be.
And for that, I thank you.
For that I love you.

But I do not need you.
I do not need you.
I do not need you.
I do not need you.

A.M., sufficient (via adrianaintheraw)

10 BETTER BODY AFFIRMATIONS FOR YOUNG WOMEN


1. Your body is in flux for the rest of your life. Think of your body as fluid instead of static — it’s always going to change. So get comfortable with those changes.

2. No one will love you or not love you because of your body. You are lovable because you’re you, not because your body looks a certain way.

3. The most intensely personal relationship you’ll ever have is with your body. It’s a lifelong relationship that’s well worth investing in and nurturing the same way you would with loved ones.

4. You don’t owe your body to anyone. Not sexually, not aesthetically. Your body is yours. Period.

5. What someone else says about your body says more about them than it does about you. Look past the actual snark to the person who’s saying it, because it’s only a reflection of what they think of themselves. That’s when you’ll see how little power their words have.

6. Your body is not a reflection of your character. It’s a physical home for the complex and wondrous and unique being that is you.

7. Take up as much space as you want. You don’t have to be small, or quiet, or docile, regardless of your physical size.

8. Everything you need to accept your body is already inside you. There’s no book, or diet, or workout routine or external affirmation that you need to feel good about your body right now.

9. Your body is a priority. It’s always trying to tell you things. Taking the time to listen to is of the utmost importance.

10. Wear whatever you want. Your body shape does not dictate your personal style, and fashion rules that say otherwise are wrong. Dress yourself in a way that makes you feel happy and confident and beautiful, because guess what? You are.

Ami Angelowicz and Winona Dimeo-Ediger

(Source: blackfemalescientist)

Kate’s Reflections: May 6 2014

Every once in a while, I like to take a look over the last three years & appreciate just how far I’ve come. Whilst there’s always room for debate in terms of whether or not it is possible to fully recover from an eating disorder (some believe that it’s something to be managed for the rest of your life, and others believe that leaving your ED behind forever is possible for everyone), I know in my heart that I’ve well and truly let my eating disorder go, and that I’m all the better for it.

Notice the language there; I’ve let my eating disorder go, not “my eating disorder eased its grip on me” (or something similar). Two of the most important things I realised during my recovery process were that a) my recovery was in my hands, and b) that I was not helpless. I realised that I needed to take a deep breath and start tackling my fears and anxieties head on, rather than sit around all day and do research and write diet plans for myself and plan the “perfect” recovery, yadda yadda yadda. No therapist had ever told me this (if anything, my therapists were of the “count your calories and weigh yourself religiously” variety); it was something I had to work out by myself. I had to really, really learn to let it all go.

It’s very important to keep asking yourself the following two questions: "Why does this matter?" and "What am I afraid of?". Ask yourself these whenever you feel the slightest tinge of eating-disordered compulsive-anxiety panic coming on; ask yourself these until you’re blue in the face. Eventually, you will stumble across an uncomfortable truth, and that’s what you need to deal with long-term and manage for the rest of your life - not your weight or your calorie intake, believe me.

Every single morning, same time, same place
I would eat my dry Weetabix
Never toast, never eggs, never milk.

Isolated, lonely, cold
As my spoon dug deeper
Into the dry shards of my dry, cold Weetabix.

Even on Christmas morning
When the house was filled with laughter and smiles and excitement and hot, buttery pastries
I kept on digging, I kept on swallowing
I couldn’t join in
I couldn’t live.

And to have told anyone- ‘milk scares me, breakfast scares me, food scares me’- was unthinkable
They wouldn’t understand
They’d think I was crazy
Maybe I was

So instead I’d continue
Restricting and avoiding and dodging
Complimented on my figure and my willpower and my self-control
How do you do it? They asked
If only they knew

It took years before I decided
That living this life was not living
And I took a deep breath and I took my spoon and I forced myself to eat, every bite a battle

But a battle I am winning
And I am joining in
And I am living.

And now, every morning as I pick up my spoon
I think of all the things I’ve missed out on
Like dancing and restaurants and travelling and exploring and skinny dipping and being wild and crazy and free and young

And I look at my milky Weetabix or toast or eggs or porridge or crumpets or muffin or fruit or yoghurt or WHATEVER
And I eat.

'A Dry Weetabix Life', Rachel Allen

Make Me a Radical Dietitian

fatbodypolitics:

Michelle () is raising money so she can become a registered dietitian.

Please support / share. 

Michelle is fantastic. I’ve talked with her before and dear God, that woman is just so selfless and so, so helpful. I’ll definitely be donating.

— Kate