Keeping this as a reference for every time I want to use behaviors:
- I will get nothing positive out of restricting, binging, or purging.
- None of my problems will be solved, in fact they will likely be magnified because of the self-hate that I feel from falling into the same old trap.
- No matter how many times I say “it will be different this time”, it will NOT be, if I continue to go back to the same things that I KNOW don’t work.
- Using the same behavior today that I used the previous day will result in the same outcome and I have to believe that and not let myself be convinced otherwise.
- Same behavior = Same results— That is a fact.
- I refuse to let myself use the excuse of “I will start tomorrow”, because that will get pushed to the next day, and the next and pretty soon I will have wasted an entire year.
- And the concept of wasting my life to this is much scarier than dealing with any problem I face in my life currently.
- I can, and will break the vicious cycle by dealing with the issues in my life as they arise rather than avoiding them and allowing more to resurface.
- I am healing, I am learning, and I am growing and I deserve to to let myself solve my problems in a healthy way.
- I will become the person I want to be because I am stronger than I believe and I will prove that to myself.
- And I will remember that- "I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me."
Its funny, despite gaining about 10 BMI points from my lowest weight, in some ways I don’t actually think I look any different when I look in the mirror.
When I look back at photos, obviously I can see how thin I was. But I rarely saw it back then. Occasional glimpses or insights, perhaps.
The reflection in the mirror is the same as it has always been. Except that maybe I am actually now staring back at a non-body dysmorphic image.
I always hated my natural shape and size. I feared it most. It was what haunted me during my eating disorder, and what terrified me most when I stared in the mirror. No matter what my actual size, I saw this size. I always saw my natural size, and I was always ashamed and terrified of it.
I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I am happy with my current shape and size. I am no longer afraid of what the world has gifted me with. Except of course when I am stressed or anxious and eating disordered thoughts attack me again! But, on the whole, I am OK with me. Finally.
It is very odd that all along, throughout everything, I have been afraid of being this size and seen this size in the mirror no matter what weight I actually was. And now, arriving here, everything feels right. I see my reflection, it is me, and I make no vows to change it. I am not afraid of it. I am me. I cannot change it. It is OK.
In a way. It gets easier. What once was such a fervent screaming in your head dies down into an echo and I think the goal is that that fades away once you immerse yourself into your life again.
It doesn’t go away all of a sudden and I sometimes feel like I’m still so stuck but time really does change things and you learn how to deal with the little bits of life you’ve avoided.
It reminds me of the quote by C.S. Lewis that says, “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…”
That’s how it was and still is for me. Now the calories in a cough drop don’t cause me to go into a hysterical fit but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have break downs about how scary real life is.
It’s not that I have no worries now it’s just that they’re different. They’re real life worries but I think that shows growth. So, to answer your question yes, yes it does get better."