You've heard of cyclical (or recurrent) depression, right? Depression that comes on and sticks around for some weeks, then goes away for a few weeks, then comes back? That's how it is with my ED behaviors. It's shitty because it makes me feel like I'm a "faker" or something, if you know what I mean. Like, it's not actually a problem because those behaviors aren't with me 100% of the time. And I'm just wondering if anyone reading this has experienced this because honestly I feel crazy.
Followers, feel free to help out this anon, but here’s my two cents:
I experience this all the time. (truthfully, I’m glad you do too, because sometimes it makes me feel like a faker too… a weakling, a failure.)
Consider this. If everyone, everyone, felt the full power of their ED all the time, we would all very quickly be dead, because that’s your ED’s true intent. Of course ED comes and goes - sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker. This is true for all illnesses.
A cancer patient is not in uncontrollable pain 100% of the time. A person suffering from major depression is not desperately suicidal 100% of the time. A person with the flu is not coughing 100% of the time.
Therefore, a person with ED does not suffer from full-blown ED behaviours 100% of the time. Everyone has good days and bad days with their eating disorder. Sometimes, its grip loosens, and you find yourself free from ED’s power for a while. At other times, ED is vicious.
Don’t ever feel like you’re a ‘failure’ at your disorder because others’ suffering appears to be more explicit. Everyone suffers differently, and each one of us is very, very ill, no matter what their disorder looks like.
This is just the competitive side of your ED trying to torture you with guilt for not being ‘the best’ at your disorder.
(The best anorexic or bulimic is, ultimately, dead.)
^ ED is a bastard, because that’s what it wants. FUCK your ED.
Lots of love. Xxx
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