today i ~challenged myself and i had lots of tasty foods and even though my eating disorder is raging rn there’s a huge part of me that is just so sad that i have literally wasted years of my life being so terrified of eating and just not being able to enjoy food at all because of the fear of calories and weight gain and all that other shit. i am so so sad and angry that i have spent the last four years eating such bland and frankly disgusting foods because they were the only things that were ‘safe’ and that eating was just generally such an awful experience. i am so so angry that i have been robbed of so much because of all that and i’m heartbroken that so many of us go through it.
eating is just so much easier and calmer when you’re actually eating and not just eating knowing you’re going to throw up in a few minutes time or just eating your ‘safe’ foods or eating without really tasting the food because you’re in the middle of a binge. learning to actually eat is so hard and frightening and i hate that it’s something i’m having to do when i’m fucking eighteen years of age. even though i’m so so scared because of the calories and shit the part of me that is angry at my eating disorder is so much stronger today. i’m so so angry that anyone has to live like this and i wish i could make it all better for us seriously ugh.